Browse Professor Quotes

Remember what we are: prostitutes! Whats the definition of a prostitute: actors and whores.
—David Kriebs, Theatre 474, said while talking about keeping the audience happy.
... that's what I'm here for, to be the crusher of your hopes and dreams.
—Mike Phillips; on debunking heroes like Lincoln
I don't have a personal relationship with Jesus and he doesn't tell me how to fight my wars.
—Lisa Corrigan. Comm360
student- But 'Proud to be an American' gets you every time...

Prof- Well it doesn't get me because I'm a cynical, cynical bastard.
—Mike Phillips, Comm401
I am not an American, nor a Pilgrim settler, nor a Dutchman.
—Bernard Cooperman, on ethnicity
Well your grades were higher than the other sections, but maybe that's because when I was grading theirs, I was on a train drinking.
—TA Hunter Johnson, STAT 100
We have a whole department at this university devoted to myths. Of course we also have a whole department devoted to chemistry and who believes in that shit?
—Bernard Cooperman, on school departments
Well, we've got a couple of minutes left in class, let's spend them thinking about goats! (Said before an optimization problem fencing a goat in against a river)
—Professor Laskowsky, MATH140
... and turn it into something that would make it actionable [PAUSE], as Bush would say.
—Dr. Ruth DeFries - METO 123
Who can tell me what Phat, spelled P-H-A-T, means? If I call you that does it embarass you?
—Prof. Cooperman, HIST283 (Modern Jewish History) trying to understand slang
These were Hasidim with big, bushy beards and long black coats. And that's just the women!
—Bernard Cooperman, on appearances
From an overhead slide.
BS

Prof: “Which we all know stands for…” (raises the slide)

Bullshit (also Bull Shit)
—Dr. Capo Psyc100, in reference to psychologists like Dr. Phil
This is not candyland
—Bob Schwab (Econ200) on Game Theory
Now take two fingers and touch yourself.
—Prof. Berg, Phys of Music (102), explaning a demonstration to the class.
“Kelis likes milkshakes. What is that song about anyway? Oh wait, never mind, I’ve seen the video.”
—Alan Stairs, Phil 170, explaining a logic statement
After playing fanfare for the common man army song…
Just because I play a patriotic song doesn't mean I’m a republican.
—Mued155, Craig Resta
One of the most inportant things you have to choose in life is who your parents are.
—Bradford Booth, Sociology 105
If you don't play at commencement, you must find a suitable replacement. Also, my wife and I are having a picnic for the wind ensemble at our house. Of course if you don't show up to that you must find a replacement.
—Professer John Wakefield, Director of Bands
In this class, we will refer to Alan Greenspan as God. And God is a republican.
—ECON330, Money and Banking
Prof: You don't have to take the midterm if you're happy with your grade.
Student: Can the final hurt your grade, or just improve it?
Prof: Well, if you take the final... and you get an F... that wouldn't be so good.
—Prof. Winkelnkemper, MATH430
I'm just pulling these numbers out of my ass here....I don't know if they will work or not
—Professor Justin Wyss-Gallifent, Math141
NO, the number of solutions is more than infinity. It's a bigger infinity!
—Prof. Winkelklemper MATH 241
At least i can be assured that when I grow old and go psychotic from programming, that I can make license plate numbers!
—Charles Lin, CMSC250: explaining a complex logical statement with so many letters that it resembled a random license plate
You should be shot if you don't get these right.
—Professor Mann, PSYC100, on the last 5 questions of the final.
Are there any questions other than 'Where's the dean's office so that I can drop this class?'
—Dr. Schwab, Econ 200
Put $150 million in front of me and I'll do anything. And I mean ANYTHING...
—Kovach, BMGT360
Level of education is strongly related to a woman's ability to orgasm. I *do* have a PhD.
—Dr. Laura Moore, SOCY100
If someone tries to kill you, you're not paranoid.
—Professor Mann, PSYC100
Imagine the toy soldier to be a normal vector.
—Dr. Cremmins, MATH241
Go out! Let the wind ride through your hair while you still have it
—Visiting Professor encouraging young people not to wear helmets when they ride motorcycles.
There was a real safety issue. I mean, people would fall out of their seats and there could be lawsuits.
—Visiting Lecturer from Villa Nova describing his experience teaching engineers about ethics
I love to come teach in such cheerful surroundings. I mean this place looks like a bunker of some sort
—Guest Lecturer from Villa Nova commenting on the rooms in Jimenez
I've ridden horses before, but I don't understand them. I know when thier ears go back, it means they're pissed.
—Prof Spalding, HLTH 285
Would you kindly SHUT UP!
—Dr. Banerjee, PHYS262
You can come by my office later to pick up your graded reports. If you don't see me, I'm probably under the desk with my assistant.
—Prof. McNeilly, ENGL393
Guess I shouldn't have had that second bottle of wine last night.
—Dr. Berg, MATH141
I am wasting your time.
—Dr. Banerjee, PHYS262
I said 'I love you' a month ago, nothing has changed, why do I have to say it again?
—Professor Spalding: HLTH 285
Ok, on this next note, shrink your hand. Shrink. Guys, think cold water.
—Prof. Henry, MUSC102, explaining a piano technique.
I haven't put U to sleep yet.
—Dr. Cremmins, MATH241, attmepting to eliminate the U variable while doing a proof.
You've had enough sex. Stop having sex.
—Professor Mann, Psyc100, on the role of the ventromedial hypothalamus.
Don't stand by the door, you're going to get trampled by those trying to flee.
—Dr. Schwab, Econ 200
Palladium on carbon is such a beast!!!
—Professor Davis- Chem233: Organic Chemistry
Cheese.
—The only word I heard Dr. Cremins say while sleeping in MATH241. He may or may not have been talking about triple integrals.
Old MacDonald had a farm... E I E I O. And on that farm he had a chick, chick here a chick, chick there, here a chick there a chick every where a chick chick...
—Professor Cirrincione, explaining (or rather singing) about mixed farming in Geography 100.
It's the mass. The mass makes all the difference. The size doesn't matter!!!
—Professor Davis on chiral molecules CHEM 233 Organic Chemistry
You are not Forrest Gump. There are no Forrest Gumps in here.
—Professor Mann, Psyc100, assuming the IQs of the students in the class are all above 75.
It's not a good idea to crack open a couple of beers and start studying.
—Professor Mann, Psyc100
Maybe her F was higher than yours.
—Professor Mann, Psyc100, to girl who complained that her friend failed the test, but got a C with a curve
Dying is an excellent way to avoid paying taxes. -Professor Schwab
—While talking about not having to pay capital gains taxes on holdings such as stocks when they are transferred via a will after one's death. (ECON200)
Hey, I do basket weaving and it would actually be a lot easier under water - don't scoff that class!
—Dr. Spence, ENAE261, responding to a student joking about changing majors.
Oh sorry. Did you want to get through? We won't hurt you. We've only lost two students so far =)
—Mr. Rahmoeller- HONR 288L: Medical Devices
My wedding was f***ed up. The mother was
the best man and my maid of honor was a guy. Yeah, you
knew it would be weird.
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311, on her special day.
I capitalize Bagels just as you would capitalize Aphrodite or Zeus or Jesus or God; it's just one of those things which deserves a capital letter.
-Dr. Norbert Hornstein
—Norbert Hornstein Professor of Linguistics
Let's see how far I can get before I butcher
this one and make an ass of myself.
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311
Drug pushers and programmers are the only people who call their clients 'users'. Hmmm... I don't know if there's a correlation.
—Dr. Evan Golub, CMSC 214
So, should I have children?
—Randall McCutcheon, Math 246, while solving a differential equation.
That's the only B I got in grad school. That's probably 'cause I kept getting drunk before his class.
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311, looking back on her grad school days.
Finite state automatas... they suck donkey
balls.
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311, apparently expressing her dislike for finite state automatas.
Grades:
A = Those who know.
B = Those who may know.
C = Those who used to know.
D = Those who may never know.
F = Who knows?
—Dr. Don Berkowitz, CHEM113H, after first exam
To be honest, I was never impressed by trees... I never thought I would be moved by plants.
—Dr. Cremins, MATH241, going off on a tangent while explaining how to do a problem involving sequoia trees and partial derivatives.
When it came down to it, I should have told my friend, 'Keep the money, keep the house, keep the wife, keep the kids... cheat on her on the side.
—Dr. Kovach, BMGT360
Well the answer we get is 3.78....well, in engineering terms, 3.78 equals 3.4.

—Bowden in ENES102, upon realizing he came up with the wrong answer.
Let's take our mathematical geniuses and put them all on the front lines to DIE!
—Randall McCutcheon, Math 246, pondering the wisdom of the military
I hate to be incompetent, but I'm so good at
it.
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311
I feel a bottle of spiced rum coming on...
DeMorgan's Law!
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311
You've got to listen like a hawk. Oh yeah,
good job there Michelle, listen like a f***ing hawk.
—Dr. Hugue, CMSC311, trying to get her students to listen up.